I Don't Even Know...

by - Thursday, January 26, 2017

Good Morning!
I hope you're having a lovely day.

So today is a slightly different post and this is either going to a popular topic, or it's not going to be; but either way I really want to publish it purely for my own benefit. Something I want to bring to my blog is more personal posts; pretty much "Dear Diary" posts as a way to get everything out of my head; hence why I have called this post "I don't even know" because I don't know, these are just my thought and thoughts which irritate the hell out of me and constantly bring me down and I don't know why I have them either.

So last week I pretty much had a break down after work. Tears and emotions had been welling up inside of me pretty much for the whole day on Friday and I knew exactly why, but I had no idea why I was getting upset and frustrated over it.

Have you ever felt like what you were doing weren't good enough? No matter what you did, or what you currently do, it's never enough for anyone? This is how I felt. I felt like the job I was doing weren't good enough, that the job weren't for me and somebody else should be doing it instead because I clearly do a really crap job. I felt like quitting my job there and then because I felt so incredibly down and I didn't want to continue doing it. But I didn't. Instead I left work, cried into one of my colleagues shoulders and just let all my feelings out. I then cried when I was driving home and cried again down the phone to my boyfriend. I know so many people are against crying and always say "crying is for babies", but crying is a way for my body and my mind to release all the negativity and emotions which have built up over a period of time and once I finish crying, I usually feel okay again.

But the thing is, although I felt like this last week; I had only felt like this for two weeks and I've been doing this job for a year and a half pretty much. It's crazy what someones words can do to you and your mind and it's crazy the fact we let these words get to us. For two weeks I had my work colleagues telling me to do this, or do that or to be more like the person I job share with and to constantly change the way I work and because I was constantly being compared to the person I work with and being told to change what I do, I felt like well, what's the point.

Something I've come to realise is how I know the child I work with better than anyone else, I've worked with him for a year and a half and have understood what he likes, what he doesn't like and what really makes him angry. Whereas the person I work with has only worked with him since September.

Since last summer, I forgot what makes him work harder and focus more in class. I forgot what I used to do with him before I fractured my foot and couldn't go into work. I also forgot how just because one technique works on one day, doesn't mean that it's going to work the next day; because he doesn't work like that. Every day is a different day. He's either going to be in a good mood or he's going to be in a rubbish mood, and if he's in that rubbish mood then it's going to a hell of a day to figure out what's going to get him into a better mood.

I realised the other day that no one else's words matter, and to always continue what I'm doing. You know yourself what the best thing to do is, no one else does. It would be different if someone had worked with him for the same period of time that I have, but no one has so what they think is completely irrelevant.

Last week taught me that I shouldn't let other people's words get to me. Although I tell myself this every year, multiple times a year; I always seem to forget this. So Kim, here's a note to self; don't ever stop what you're doing. What you're doing is incredible and it is completely worth it. Some days are going to be amazing, but other days might not be so great; but this is okay. It's a learning curve for yourself and for the little one you work with; but one day everything you've done for him will matter to him and he'll be grateful for all the crap you've put up with.

Just keep going.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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