I didn't give up on myself, even when I wanted to

Monday, October 14, 2019

Sooo.. How long has it been exactly?

Something told me recently to go back to my blog, to renew my domain and to start writing again. I don't know if it was the little voice inside of me telling me "you're ready girl, go and get it", or what.. but within a couple of days of thinking about my blog back and forth, here I am writing a post after many, many months and many years since I last consistently posted. So where have I been?

The past year has been a mixture of highs and lows and a heck load of blurriness in between. Some things have happened and people remind me of things I've done or things I've said, or even friendships I've lost and I sit here and think 'I literally do not remember that'. I'd say since January 2018, right after I finished Blogmas, I went back to work and I pretty much hit a brick wall, face on and there was no going back. Six months later I drove home from my job, never went back and self-referred myself for therapy. A further five months on I was at the peak of depression and self-harming, calling Healthy Minds in desperation for a therapist because I knew I needed help. 

On the 20th November 2018, I met two incredible women who saw something in me that I could never see in myself; they saw a vision, they saw my capabilities and they set me up for my future within less than 24 hours. And within that, two days later I met my therapist for the first time. I sat down feeling as uncomfortable as you could possibly imagine, because I knew I had to wear my heart on my sleeve and basically tell him all every single shit thing in my life and how rubbish I felt. 
My depression and anxiety went in waves, some times it went down, sometimes it went up; I had a major drop and then the next week it was right back up again. But through all of this going on I worked full time as a teaching assistant, and I started my Masters degree in January 2019. However March took a huge hit and I was back where I was back in November; facing self harm and suicide thoughts and my therapist was concerned about my safety. 

Easter happened. I don't know what happened over Easter, it was a two week blur; but it made a change. Something changed. My mind felt open and it felt free, and I knew something had to change and something had to save me. So then it happened, I saved myself. Within two months I was discharged from therapy, I reached recovery and I was pretty much like a ship; untied and ready to set sail and build my life without a constant battle of self harming and feeling worthless. 

So, a year and 9 months later... I'm a primary school teacher, training and completing my QTS and PGCE full time while still completing my Masters Degree; and who knows, Kimberley Jessica could be coming back on the scene in all student life/mental health areas and all the bits in between my chaotic life. 

Even when you want to give up on yourself and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, keep going. You will find it and you will reach it. 

I'll see you very soon!

Kimberley Jessica

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